Donor conception is a growing area of fertility treatment, giving people more options to build their family, for me this is ultimately a good thing. The HFEA tells us that more people than ever before are using donor eggs, donor sperm or donor embryos in their fertility treatment. Certainly in my clinics I spend a lot of time supporting people through the complex range of decisions to be made, such as having treatment in the UK vs abroad or using an anonymous vs a known donor or using a licensed clinic vs at home insemination. These questions often prompt a wide range of emotions, it feels valuable to help people navigate donor conception and make decisions that are right for their family. For many people this feels like a great next step when they do not have the option of using their own gametes, or are solo mums to be, or in the case of same sex couples, this is the only option of creating your family.
If you are considering donor conception on your fertility journey, use the psychologists and counsellors on hand at your clinic to help you reflect on the process. In many clinics, a session called ‘implications counselling’ is mandatory for anyone using donor conception. In my opinion, one session will give you some information to consider, but you might need more time to help you process your decision and perhaps grieve what you lose, as well as consider what you stand to gain. If you are not with a licensed clinic but want to speak with a therapist with expertise in donor conception that get in touch with me or find a local therapist via BICA. This article and the links contained within are not a substitute for implications counselling with a qualified professional which will be tailored to your specific circumstances.
Some people will always know that donor conception will be their route to parenthood. But I think it is worth noting that many people do not enter fertility treatment with the expectation that they will end up using a donor. For many people, their initial reaction is one of fear, with the belief that they will not be going down that road. However, many people have to reappraise their view point if they get to a point where it seems that using their own gametes may not be possible. This is a process, not a one time decision. The process can involve loss, fear and anxiety as well as hope and excitement. To read more about preparing to use donor gametes, you might value this article: Preparing for Egg Donation IVF? Here’s the All-Points Guide (theribbonbox.com)
Should I tell my child about being donor conceived?
During implications counselling there are key questions that you will have the opportunity to reflect on. A major consideration being if and when to tell your child about donor conception. In short, the answer is yes. Based on the available research, it is recommended that you talk to your child about donor conception from an early age. You will read about children being ‘born knowing’. This means that you start building the narrative around donor conception from the early days. Initially, this is for your benefit, you get to rehearse, you get to try on different ways of telling the story, you get to mess it up, all without detriment to the child. The benefit for your child is that they will never recall not knowing and by the time they can grasp what you are talking about, you will be comfortable discussing donor conception. In saying this, each family is individual and you have to consider the research available in the context of your own individual family and social network.
Why tell children about Donor Conception?
It is not so long ago that people were advised not to tell their children about donor conception, with the mindset that they would never find out. I am sure there are many people in the world who have no idea about their true genetic background. However, fast forward 20 years and it is too big a secret to keep. Even if you felt comfortable withholding that information from your child, it has never been easier to find out about your DNA. We know from hearing donor conceived people’s stories, that to discover you were donor conceived by accident, perhaps through an at home DNA test as you research your family tree, or a medical assessment, can be difficult to comprehend. There is a risk that the trust between parent and child is ruptured or in some cases it is too late to find out what happened as the parent has died. Take a look at the organisation ‘We Are Donor Conceived‘ to read about the experiences of people who were not told about their origins early in life.
It is not just about the donor, genetic half siblings and other genetic relatives also have to be considered. Depending on the circumstances of your treatment there could be many half siblings: this will be discussed with you in detail in your implications counselling session.
Contrast the risks of not telling with the research that indicates that people who grow up knowing they are donor conceived seem to accept this as part of their life story (see links above and below). No secrecy, shame or embarrassment, a topic of conversation that is welcomed as your child develops their own understanding of family and self identity.
My child will be so loved, they wont be interested in the donor or half siblings……
This is a statement that I hear a lot and may well be true in some cases. However, it is not reflected in the research which indicates that people are very curious about their genetic background and often want to know more information. This does not mean that they are dissatisfied with their family or want a new parent but they are curious to know a little more information. Historically, this research has been based on people in the USA who have found out about donor conception as an adult, check out this site for up to date information and research projects.
Well, it doesn’t matter until they are 18 years old…..
This is a misconception. In the UK the HFEA regulations state that at the age of 18 years old, donor conceived people can request the last known contact details of their donor. Read here to find out more about that process. However, society is outpacing the law in this area. Some people are choosing to try and find genetic links prior to the age 18 guidance. Here’s how:
Direct to consumer DNA testing: some people choose to use at home DNA testing to try and find genetic links. As these commercial DNA databases grow, it is increasingly likely that you will be able to find some genetic information. However, you can’t control the information that you find out, it may or may not be what you are looking for.
AI tools for genealogy: if you have some information about your donor, AI may be able to help you trace them. This field is rapidly developing and seems to be making us all less anonymous.
Social Media: there are pages on social media platforms that help to connect you with other people who have used the same donor. Whilst, other people will use their own social media profiles to simply ask people to get in touch if they used the same donor.
Donor Sibling Link: current the HFEA run a service to help people find their half siblings, Find out more here.
None of this is fool proof, you may not find who you are looking for. As time passes other people may try to trace your child, contact could be in either direction. It is worth remembering that even if you do manage to trace your donor or other genetic links, none of them are obliged to have any contact with your or your child, it is entirely at their own discretion.
Does any of this matter is my donor was anonymous?
YES. As noted above, it is relatively easy to find out information about our genetics and to trace people we are genetically linked to. Even if you went abroad for treatment and the donor was anonymous, you may still be able to find out some information via direct to consumer DNA testing. Talking to your child about the donor being anonymous will be important to manage their expectations as they develop. If you are considering going abroad for fertility treatment with a donor egg, read this article.
There are so many great books, podcasts, websites and social media pages dedicated to donor conception. I would love to know your favourites: let me know. I wanted to share some of my go to resources that I feel share reliable information and support:
Support Resources
In the UK my go to organisation for all things donor conception is the Donor Conception (DC)Network. DC Network is run by people with lived experience of donor conception in all shapes and forms. They provide resources, training, books, conferences and peer support amongst other activity. I love their children’s books that explore donor conception in age appropriate ways for children.
Another space that provides reliable and good quality information from people who have lived it is Paths to Parenthub. They provide brilliant support for our LGBTQ+ communities as well as connection, peer support and access to experts in the donor conception field.
Watch
Did you watch the recent ITV documentary call Born From the Same Stranger? I really recommend it. It does not shy away from the complexities of being donor conceived, they highlight the emotion, the curiosity and the disappointment that can be involved. They also show the love, attachment and connections within donor conceived families. I think you will find it a reassuring watch if you feel unsure about donor conception or unsure about telling your child/ren about donor conception: Born From The Same Stranger – Watch Episode – ITVX.
Donor Conception Research
If you are a research and a book person then check out Professor Susan Golombok’s work. Her books (Modern Families & We Are Family) summarise her decades of research into the impact of donor conception on children and families. They are both informative and reassuring reads if you are concerned about what lies ahead for your donor conceived family.
If you want to dive a little deeper into Professor Golombok’s work, then the latest paper (here) from her research group was released in 2023. This is the world’s only longitudinal study that has explored mother-child relationships from childhood to adulthood. (Spoiler Alert – overall, the kids are ok!)
I am seeing more people donating their embryos for use in someone else’s fertility treatment. This removes the anxiety of fertilisation uncertainty but has significant implications for future genetic connections as your child is likely to have full genetic siblings in another family. As noted above, you may benefit from comprehensive discussions with a psychologist or counsellor at your clinic to help you consider if this is the right option for you. However, early research is indicating good psychosocial outcomes for children conceived through embryo donation: Psychosocial outcomes of children born via embryo donation – PubMed (nih.gov).
What about the donors?
People intending to use donor gametes as part of their own fertility journey are often curious about the donors. People often wonder what motivates a donor, what is the experience like for them and will they ever want to meet my child. The University of Manchester have an excellent research program looking at the impact of gamete donation on donors and their families. Take a look here. The Dutch research group fiom also have a range of interesting information and research projects.
And what about the children?
As you navigate your donor conception journey, you may wish to engage with peers who have a similar lived experience as you and your family. Or you may wish to seek support and resources for your child. A good place to start is Donor Conception Network who run a comprehensive range of events for both adults and children. If you are reading this article as a donor conceived adult and need to access support, I recommend looking at Donor Conceived UK.
Well being support
Wherever you are in your fertility journey, you may find yourself in need of some self care, a well-being boost and stress management strategies. If this is you then download my free Essential Fertility Toolkit . Check your junk as that is where it tends to end up.
So many people tell me that they feel isolated on their fertility and donor conception journey. If you do not feel you have the right people around you then find your tribe online, have a look at my community, IVF Babble & The Ribbon Box.
Let me know your favourite resources as you navigate donor conception. Find me on Instagram & Facebook or email marie@thefertilitypsychologist.co.uk.
